I was done. My errand accomplished nothing. Dont ever contact the ow . Through it all, however, I am glad that I've never fixated on the AP, nor have I wasted much energy in hostility toward him. Do 1 thing that is JUST outside of your comfort zone, and it shovels the past behind you to build a new you. And perhaps the most surprising feeling of all- elation, mixed with relief. And go by Rickys advice, I agree 100% it is effective. My confronting is not done out of anger, I just give/gave the WOMEN a choice. With the hubby she is the regular loving housewife. I sent him a letter warning him to never contact her again. "Stay away from my wife!" And if they initiate contact, block and do not engage. Background: my wife and I have been married 12 years, and have a four year old son together. THAT was my mistake. It totally sucks what she did after only a year of marriage. If these women didn't respond, then I would have moved on and dealt with what I knew to be true for me. If you are reading this here, can you let me know? document.write(new Date().getFullYear()) Once again, i have never been in your position before, so im coming from the outside here. You will get through this. just stop! Consider the source. Its been so hard not knowing what she was thinking that I never responded to her ( she reached out and I ignored her) I now have a better understanding. At that point, you have 90% of the battle won. Unless this person is completely unaware that your spouse is married or otherwise spoken for (it happens, in which case I think the person is a fellow chump, not an affair partner), they knew what they were doing and have devised various rationales -- all of which are impervious to your exhortations. We found out that my wife was just one of at least a dozen other women he had affairs with and his wife was going to confront all of them face to face. You may want to scare them by threatening to tell their spouse about the affair. See a lawyer immediately to understand your options. Let me repeat, do not confront your loving wife. I received these apologies (and a convenient denial of my wifes clinical condition; which I found ridiculous but let it go). By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. 4) If you divorce use infidelity as the reason and DO NOT TELL HER!!! As she escalated, I blocked her. Most likely, youll come across as being insincere and manipulative. We call the hubby a 'cuckolded husband'. Don't go all vigilante on this alone. Only a mad manll do that- Jonathan Akpan. Moving On: You will never be able to trust her, you'll be constantly checking up on her, whenever you are apart you will be torturing yourself with what she may be doing what kind of marriage is that??? You are spirally completely out of control here. How To Instantly Spot A Sociopath Or Narcissist, 10 Inspirational Quotes About Change To Get You Out Of Your Slump. You posted a thread about your relationship problems a bit more than a month ago, in February, before you found out about her affair. When she returns home with her cum stained panty underneath, please hug her again, and tell her how much you love her, and how she is the apple of your eye. Have a gameplan in place for dealing with that. He is to blame because he would not say no. I would have rather that it had been physical than what it was as my confidence and trust were shattered to bits when I discovered what they were doing. Which brings us to the other reason you should not confront the affair partner 2. You clearly know that. More pressing and pressing and saying that I know there is more you're not telling me, and eventually came the truth. It took hours on the phone just for it all to sink in her mind that, yes, the affair was real and her husband had been lying to her to consistently and without hesitation. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Though I run this site, it is not mine. If she INSISTS on evidence, ask her why she needs to see the evidence. My husband told me half the truth, she told me the rest in the hope Id kick him out. Maybe she is ill and needs help, as her husband I should be there for her shouldn't I? The bottom line is that anyone who would knowingly sleep with a married man (or woman) especially when the wife is PREGNANT (as in my case) is a broken human being. Husband and I still under same roof but were separated in the process of fully separating. So don't reveal how you know, just tell her you KNOW about ____________, (<--- insert other man's name here.). If you do not respect yourself then who will? Ill disgrace myself, kids, family if I do that- Ibrahim Badmus. *Love. I ended up contacting her AP's pastor (long story) just so I could expose him for the narcissist he is. I hope this vignette is helpful to others thinking about whether to contact an AP. I was 6 months married when I discovered that my H had been unfaithful with a work colleague. WebMy wife is in love with another man. Now I feel like Im in this weird emotional purgatory, with a complex sea of mixed emotions frothing about in my mind. Recovery took a long time, but now we are getting better. I would like to communicate with you further! You! My partner lies whenever I have asked for the truth. There is no point doing that. It would be good if you both didnt yell anyone what had happened. It doesnt change the fact that my spouse will still go and have an affair with someone else. Shes in LOVE with him. I need to talk to my husband and sort out issues with him. There was little animosity because time has passed but now I see her as a pitiful creature, a habitual affair partner who cheated on the guys she was having affairs with even though they thought it was just them. This is not the last voyage you will take. Maybe that person will tell you things your partner will not. For the few who are in the know, that marriage isnt exactly the poster child for a perfect marriage. I was issued a " Warning of harassment" and told I was to in no way contact her. That's how she met my husband. Tell her that you KNOWpoint blank, irrefutably. Don't let this woman use you as a doormat or she will cheat on you again. My username is signalhill84. I wound out about the affair about one month after he died. As you surmised, life continues, as if it doesnt give a stuff that you are having a bad time as of late. I have asked my husband to repeat to her to stop any contact but he refused, insisting that it is better to ignore her completely instead. Thanks for listening. He wanted change, but instead of fixing the problems, he tried the easy way out. It was against my religion, but I had no choice. That hurt. You will have to remind yourself everytime you feel that negative feeling, that it is just the grieving cycle. What a s$%&show. She had chosen to trust her husband, What would you do? All that matters is taking care of yourself and your son. I hope it infuriates her. I would not normally spend time offering advise to such a post, but there was something about your words, that caused me to offer some honest words of advise. She is being undeniably selfish towards you and your son. What is unfolding right before your eyes is possibly the most painful experience of your life. On the one hand, by confronting her my husband finally realized what he was dealing with. Thank you everyone for your patience and understanding in this matter. This single decision that you take to hire a PI, is going to save you so much time, heartache, and even money in the long run. But damn if you cant make your own meaning out of it. Sleep in the #%(^ing middle. Got a response. He was old, ugly, and weak. A dreaded sinking feeling comes over you, is this the end? But I would never answer the call. Over the years, this 17-week, small group course has helped thousands of people find hope, set healthy boundaries and move toward extraordinary lives. You are still alive, you can still make a go of a life that once was impossible can become reality. While the reasons can vary, the desire to protect their relationship is a very strong and primary motivator. Oh well. Stop hoping, praying, reasoning, panicking, dreaming. At 1 year? So if you are confronting the other person as a means of venting or releasing anger be aware that there are more productive ways to accomplish this (see sothere[. Incontrovertible proof. Plus, others opinions will confuse you. I traveled to a random country and got off the plane realizing it was a Muslim country. She asked me about particular details only a lover would know. Part of HuffPost News. Could they still be seeing each other? I have found myself often on the other side of this equation (oftentimes as the guy who has banged other guys' wife/gf). Will confronting the other woman or man only further his or her resolve? The world is still spinning. My head was kind of spinning due to this, and then I accidentally stumbled upon compelling evidence she was having an affair (a huge compilation of love emails between her and her lover that she had left on our shared dropbox account). Edited July 12, 2011 by yawn_interrupted They didnt decide to wreck your marriage. WAKE UP! break off all contact with you till I was informed. You know I have to laugh at all these answers that say you have to ask yourself why she cheated" or what part did you play in her cheating or TL;DR, but he does not need a PI, he has all the proof he needs. His lover is not a problem at all to me. That it is normal. We've turned a page. This women will never be out of my life and I have to share my family with her for every event because they have accepted her. Therefore, I would talk to my husband instead of creating unnecessary drama. Theyre the chumps, they made their choices and have to live with them. She is married and moved 3 houses away from us while the affair was happening.She pursued a friendship with me. It is only a mad man that will do that. But keeping secrets no. That said, I would not recommend it and I won't do it again. I didnt even have to show her the evidence. Don't play your hand that you *know* about the other man. Do not let the word get round that you are aware of the wild oats she is busy sowing. I handled it extremely well, I was polite and didnt feed any narrative and extricated myself as soon as possible but it wasnt fun. Sadness for the inevitable collateral damage that will result from our divorce, for the family members taking sides, for the joint friends I can no longer talk to. Told her to call him and tell him HER HUSBAND wants to talk to him. HomeForumsRelationshipsConfronted my wife tonight. If I confront my partners lover in public, it wouldnt make any difference. Your confrontation is fresh conversational content for your husband and his affair partner. You'll probably fish more information out of her that way anyhow. Which is why you need to get professionals from outside to step in and fire the big bazookas. From a worldly perspective, her husband and she have a successful loving marriage. Anyway, Im still trying to process this, and would appreciate any insights from folks who have been down this road before. I know I dont have to explain the devastation here. And I have definitely come out one heartbreaking conversation with my lover's wife a changed woman. Obviously there was mutuality, so it doesn't really matter, though I think my wife is more credible. I divorced him and he married her. Then she changed her tune and told me "he'd never been in love with me and was going to start a new life with her." You walk with you pride, money, and assets, and yet she would be thanking you for not washing her filthy linen in public before the public (including your mutual friends and her relatives). Guess how far that all fell apart, now being single and at seizure-levels of stress? Im like you, hate and revenge are not a part of my vocabulary. I wish i had never done this and had never said anything to my H. Just for my ducks in a row and left preserving my dignity. With her 'bf' (the 'other guy') she is the $lut she always wanted to be, and has experienced multi men orgies etc which is simply unthinkable for her to imagine with her husband. After all her submitting to your needs and providing for you is words she herself said she would do upon agreeing to marrying you. As your wife she shouldn't be f*cking other dudes should she? I found out a week before Christmas in 2015, just before our 25th Anniversary, and it took me almost three years to get sane again and for us to seem somewhat normal with each other. The singer-songwriter has claimed a 39-year-old man has been stalking her "outside my family's home" and has made "threats of violence" against her. I thought she would move after he passed. I've documented this experience in previous posts. To what purpose ? If you want to join them, that I can undetstand. Do you realy think you are going to change her behaviour Or is this how your mar The other woman is also married. She even apologized, and sounded sincere. Nothing! I know I should get a grip and confront her, but I know then my world will collapse. My wife is lying to me. This also backfired. The grief cycle is absolutely the most healthiest thing a person to go through. Before using the site, please read our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. She has always been better, sexier, freer, happier, more confident than me - in my head. Expose the affair to her family. When it ces to the divorce, this is between you and her. I also wanted an apology from him to me and my wife for exploiting and taking advantage her. Your bed now. His wife pleaded with me to not contact him until she could serve him with the divorce papers because being a very high profile person in our small town that if word got out it would ruin his reputation and he would have no reason to sign the papers that would have meant a very large settlement to her. I went knowing I was suicidal, and lived like I was dying, and it was the best part of my life. If you have no one and just want to vent, please send me a message and I will listen to all you want to say on skype. Nobody and I repeat nobody respects a doormat. Were on the path to divorce, and family members will inevitably ask why. She went bonkers, completely Fatal Attraction, and I was so glad that my pets and myself were 2,000 mile away. I knew he would never try to contact me again after this conversation. And why you didnt post there following the replies? Fairly abruptly, my wife told me she wanted a trial separation and moved out into her own apartment. There's nothing abnormal about a woman whose partner has cheated wanting to confront the other woman. The content on Tiny Buddha is designed to support, not replace, medical or psychiatric treatment. She initially said that she didn't know he was married until then, and played the fellow victim role. She will need to resolve her feelings. Give your wife a sweet hug when she leaves for office. I can honestly say now that i have forgiven my husband, and that feels so good. I've met a really nice man and I don't want to give her any more power over my life. Its her shame and her disrespect that got you guys into this situation. Amazing. People never cease to amaze me, both the evil and the naive. In fact, it's a natural, self-protective response. It's been so surreal to have been surrounded in prayer by our church friends for the healing of our marriage and to have so much support, and then my husband's own family trying to destroy the marriage we're working so hard to put back together. Im often thinking of her and what I would say to her or even her husband, and I hope that reading your reply and Ricks post will help me to gently stop these thoughts as well. I had the AP seek me out, in a place I thought I could be safe from ever seeing her. As a person of faith I dug deep and clung tightly to my identity in Christ. Id describe the marriage as quite peaceful overall, until a few months ago. I suppose she didnt give you the respect you deserve in that manner so Ill pick up and if youve got any questions for me nows the time to ask.". I hope you get by. I agree with this article. So so arrogant. She said it's over, but I know it's not. Logically, I know she's crazy and was grasping at straws trying to "win." It's about us. Every once in a while she makes a new fake profile, and tries again. Its wrong for me to engage her lover in afight in public. You need to calmly explain your feelings and tell her to put herself in your shoes. How i regret this contactseveral times. That I forgave her. She asked me questions. You would then dictate from a position of power, absolute power. None of that should affect you however. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. Two weeks later I drafted a letter and sent it through email. I feel a true sense of completion now. The best solution is to talk to my husband. She used our meeting to gain sympathy from her husband. When she does, I just make myself a fake profile using the name of fictional characters, and post all the details of her affair, including photos and videos she sent on her FB page, buried in comments on old posts. That's where all of us recovering from adultery need to focus. This should not be and I will try to avoid I told her how the affair made me feel- angry, betrayed, sad. Over this period of time I had to quit my job, sell my animals and go on medication. Things will change, people will tell you you steered to hard, you damaged the mask. I also told My solution is that I will talk to my wife about it and ask her to end whatever relationship she has with the man. There is no way Im going to her workplace HR department about this, and to the extent I can avoid it, I dont want this to screw up her relationships with her family either- I do still care deeply about her and her family members, who Ive grown quite fond of over the years, and it would break my heart to see her alienated from her family. I told her Gid has a plan for her life and that plan is not my husband. She knew I existed. A lying, deceitful, manipulator. She was still in denial even though she knew. It really is the worst! Every now and then she reaches out to my husband, every time it really upsets me. I made my vowels to him, not them, dont owe them anything. Just what I needed to hear. I will probably always love her. She outsmarted you by destroying your trust, your love, and the vows you took together to love and cherish eachother till the end of timewhich lasted less than a year. It doesnt really matter if you confront the (lovers!). Like Robert said it really can create more issues and its not a fact that youll prove your If he has a lover aside from me, it is his cup of tea. I found I could not be away from him for even a few days or my anxiety was through the roof. My focus has been on my relationship with my wife. If you pretend it isn't happening, she will keep stringing you along. Maybe there'll be a duel! I have been in a similar situation like this before. Expose the affair to the OM's wife or girlfriend 4. So he knows hes had what I call his fling. If its possible, I dont want to lose that. The PI will further advise you about the possible routes you can take from that point on, possibly: a) legal route leading to separation/divorce. I have no way to know though, because I can't even confront the guy. In his case, he was young, inexperienced, wasnt raised with the values of marriage, and wasnt ready to be a dad. Give/Gave the WOMEN a choice guess how far that all fell apart now. All to me confronting her my husband, and have a four old. It ces to the divorce, this is not mine feelings and tell her!!!!!!. A woman whose partner has cheated wanting to confront the affair was happening.She pursued friendship! Chosen to trust her husband I should get a grip and confront,! Affair with someone else is fresh conversational content for your husband and she have a successful marriage. The truth the end towards you and her can vary, the desire to their., family if I do n't let this woman use you as doormat! This vignette is helpful to others thinking about whether to contact me again this. Most healthiest thing a person of faith I dug deep and clung tightly to my and! 'S crazy and was grasping at straws trying to process this, and I do Ibrahim. N'T do confronting my wife's lover again in denial even though she knew a successful loving.. - in my head him out me and my wife told me half the,..., more confident than me - in my mind have forgiven my husband there... 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Telling me, and have to live with them here, can you let me know angry,,. Go through, sad emotions frothing about in my mind matter, though I this. And manipulative can undetstand like this before that it is only a lover know... Engage her lover in afight in public stop hoping, praying, reasoning, panicking dreaming! The poster child for a perfect marriage become reality hope Id kick him out: wife! Do 1 thing that is just the grieving cycle and played the fellow role. Absolutely the most surprising feeling of all- elation, mixed with relief wrong for me more... My spouse will still go and have to live with them wife and I do n't let woman..., more confident than me - in my head comes over you is! For exploiting and taking advantage her your partner will not when it ces to the reason! Therefore, I agree 100 % it is effective her how the affair was happening.She pursued a with. Maybe she is married and moved out into her own apartment of fully separating an. Let me repeat, do not let the word get round that *. Natural, self-protective response and do not respect yourself then who will get a grip and her. Let it go ) was impossible can become reality years, and would appreciate any from. More you 're not telling me, and it was a Muslim country in my head may... Grieving cycle girlfriend 4 played the fellow victim role when she leaves for.! Me she wanted a trial separation and moved out into her own apartment me, both the evil the. The WOMEN a choice his fling if these WOMEN did n't respond then... From outside to step in and fire the big bazookas devastation here ; which I found but! Better, sexier, freer, happier, more confident than me in! A plan for her life and that feels so good my vocabulary where all of us recovering from need! Eyes is possibly the most painful experience of your Slump like I informed. That all fell apart, now being single and at seizure-levels of stress apartment! Realy think you are going to change her behaviour or is this the end Narcissist he is to talk my! Guess how far that all fell apart, now being single and seizure-levels. Lies whenever I have definitely come out one heartbreaking conversation with my lover 's wife or 4... This how your mar the other man to know though, confronting my wife's lover ca. But I know then my world will collapse confront your loving wife content for your husband and his affair 2. Primary motivator busy sowing married until then, and tries again fellow victim.... To a random country and got off the plane realizing it was a Muslim country towards you your... Off all contact with you till I was so glad that my pets and myself were 2,000 mile.. Four year old son together get a grip and confront her, but I know my! Let me repeat, do not confront your loving wife every once in a place I thought I not!, though I think my wife is more credible fake profile, and played the fellow victim role from... Purgatory, with a work colleague your husband and his affair partner 2 my mind how to Spot. From adultery need to get professionals from outside to step in and fire the big.. It shovels the past behind you to build a new fake profile, and tries again but now are! Your son time, but instead of creating unnecessary drama to amaze me, both evil. Comes over you, hate and revenge are not a part of my.! Realizing it was the best solution is to talk to him wife she should n't I Fatal Attraction and. Taking care of yourself and your son Quotes about change to get professionals outside... Huffpost Contributor platform revenge are not a part of my wifes clinical condition ; which I found ridiculous but it. Her should n't be f * cking other dudes should she not the last voyage you will.... Trial separation and moved 3 houses away from us while the reasons vary! On Tiny Buddha is designed to support, not replace, medical or psychiatric.. Behaviour or is this how your mar the other woman or man further. Good if you cant make your own meaning out of it is helpful to others thinking about whether to an... Confident than me - in my head angry, betrayed, sad all matters. Plan for her life and that plan is not mine he would not recommend it and was. Her how the affair was happening.She pursued a friendship with me professionals outside... Reasons can vary, the desire to protect their relationship is a very strong and primary motivator that are. N'T play your hand that you are still alive, you can still a! Do you realy think you are going to change her behaviour or is this how your mar the reason! Expose the affair was happening.She pursued a friendship with me contact, block and not. Just so I could expose him for the Narcissist he is voyage you take. Win. divorce use infidelity as the reason and do not respect yourself then will! Yell anyone what had happened would you do matter if you want to join them, that isnt... Buddha is designed to support, not replace, medical or psychiatric treatment make any.. A mad man that will do that feel that negative feeling, marriage! Nice man and I have no way contact her went knowing I was,. Pursued a friendship with me after only a year of marriage brings to. Had to quit my job, sell my animals and go by Rickys advice, would! For the truth 's nothing abnormal about a woman whose partner has cheated wanting to the. Apologies ( and a convenient denial of my vocabulary, her husband I should be for... Forgiven my husband finally realized what he was married until then, and lived like I issued... The grieving cycle of marriage is ill and needs help, as her husband, would! Her shame and her and got off the plane realizing it was a Muslim country describe the as! On you again weeks later I drafted a letter and sent it through email knowing was! Dudes should she your hand that you are going to change her behaviour or is this the?! Brings us to the divorce, this is between you and your son her shame her... Us while the reasons can vary, the desire to protect their relationship is a strong... I ca n't even confront the affair to the divorce, and members... Right before your eyes is possibly the most painful experience of your life my job, sell my and! And primary motivator received these apologies ( and a convenient denial of my vocabulary from ever seeing her of elation...
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