And would give you or your husband a chance to get some respite (or some time to clean up the house). You probably hate him because he is flawed. But realistically, it sounds like it was just that you lived separately and helped her out less? Not true. For example, a clumsy husband scatters the room every chance he gets can create stress. . Its a daunting prospect to consider and I dont blame the letter writer for wanting out (on a purely emotional level). Taken time to learn what the MILs issues really were and what kind of care she needed. Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. June 18, 2015, 10:57 am. And honestly if a post stroke victim is living in shitty conditions maybe you can be a little more compassionate? I personally, dont have daughter in laws who are eager to get cast me off when Im inconvenient, yet (and hopefully ever). Soooo I think that Husband promised to step in and take care of his mother. LW, you and your husband need to have a serious conversation about how caring for his mother in your home is going to affect your family and relationship. June 18, 2015, 8:40 am. It wasnt the red wedding. It could be visiting her frequently and driving her to appointments, as he/you have been doing, and taking her out for recreational activities (as opposed to just letting her basically rot in her own filth in her bedroom all day and night). 5 Ways Lying Destroys Marriages, 15 Ways to Deal With an Unsupportive Partner During Pregnancy, 15 Ways to Know if Theres Enough Physical Intimacy in Your Relationship. He refuses even to consider counseling. There are ways to work this out without going crazy or ruining your marriage. 7. Frankly, that is not my responsibility. It can pave the way for a better relationship. Yeah, this is pretty horrible. In my minds eye, she was, like jumping on the kitchen center island to demonstrate how to swim the butterfly or something. I think it is important the letter writer is honest with herself and her husband about this before they commit to buying a house. You could find a place nearby so your husband could still go over regularly. Im sure she *wants* to do those things, like take care of herself and clean her house, but she physically *cant*. But instead of attacking your MIL, you should be looking for solutions. How Do You Fix Emotional Detachment in a Relationship? We don't see mil very often for many reasons. But not wanting her anywhere near them ever doesnt seem like a good solution. I dont dispute she needs to change her attitude, but I also understand that the amount of stress shes under is perhaps making it difficult for her to see the situation clearly. June 18, 2015, 9:37 am. But I cant really blame her for deciding its too much for her to live with her mother-in-law for the rest of MILs life. I dont remember much of it since I was so young, but from what I hear now as an adult it was really difficult to physically be able to take care of her. That's how the singer-songwriter who died Thursday at the age of 54 referred to her four children, daughters Riley, Finley and Harper . I agree. June 18, 2015, 9:38 am, I like Wendys response. She didnt know what she was signing up for. Everytime I hear her on the phone to dh she's. that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. i hate my husband because of his mother santa margherita chianti classico 2014 intertops sports betting i hate my husband because of his mother May 10, 2022 Diablo, I always enjoy your comments, the ones meant in jest and the ones grounded in your own experience(s). Why was that? Whenever she asks us to do something she always says, Whenever you get the chance, doesnt have to be right now. Yet, if the request isnt fulfilled shortly after, she gets pissy. She could have written in about the husband and issues with navigating her MILs care and left everything else out. Sometimes theyre just desperate to get out of their current situation without thought to what is actually the right best thing to do. Start by doing the following: Start by complimenting him or appreciating him. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and, 7 Ways to Feel Better When Someone Hurts You, When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? I want to know how messed up the husband is from how shitty of a mother he had. But who among us isnt? Effective and intentional communication cant be overemphasized. It will complicate your marriage more. . I didn't care because we were 16 & I kept secrets from my parents too so who cares. 17 Signs Your Husband Hates You 1. It does not have to be living with her. How? It is his first responsibility to see to the needs of his wife and children, including the stepchild. Wheres your compassion for that? Since her husband has a medical discharge he may have been healthy when the baby was conceived, then injured and unable to function at the level necessary to stay in the military. BLOG. Well, you need to embrace both the good and the bad. Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from dysfunctional relationship beliefs that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. Marriage doesnt mean you stopped treating your partner like you used to when you were courting. Nobody has said that she has an easy life, all of us understood she is having a hard time, but, I dont know, just her tone and the way she talks about the woman whos helped her and plans to ditch her, makes me feel like she is really entitled. Good luck. Before, you considered each others blemishes, and you werent judgmental. @Diablo, I think the comments chiding grown children for not having infinite patience and tolerance for aging parents might hit a nerve for adults who arent as close with their parents or in-laws. ele4phant, Im with you. With your spouse, you need to be more intentional. Are you happy within yourself? He doesn't work on the relationship. I screamed to avoid throwing something like my phone at his face, or my fist at the wall. Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? LOL about the almost impaled my pregnant belly on a knife comment. Maybe shes depressed. Wow, well I do think this response is pretty harsh. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. My FIL (who has been divorced from my MIL for over 40 years) says hes on our side but that my husband made a promise to his mother and that makes it my promise too. Sell the property if necessary to get out of the situation. Some disadvantages, including bad habits, can become more noticeable and annoying by time. I think it would be an act of compassion to carefully consider that other people may have their own reasons for having a completely different set of expectations for themselves regarding their parents/in-laws besides just being a bad son or daughter that doesnt care about a helpless elder. You. June 18, 2015, 1:07 pm. When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? Possibly. Elderly people often lose the capacity to properly care for themselves, and if she was already mentally ill, or even eccentric, Im sure the issue is exacerbated. Why do I hate my husband? We were always made responsible if our youngest sister got angry or had a tantrum. June 18, 2015, 8:22 am. The challenge to my marriage. I dont think it would have done much if Id hit it, but still. She came into this house totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition, was totally unprepared to handle it, and her husband seemingly isnt on board with making changes (ie he wants to buy another house eventually and keep on living together). She specifically said she wants her husband to forget about his promise because he is married now. Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram. You essentially resent your MIL for being elderly. Once you figure the problem out, it will be easy. Giving care is one thing. My grandma had a severe stroke when I was about 3 years old, and my dads family (all 11 siblings) took turns taking care of her in my grandparents farmhouse. He avoids you or avoids being alone with you. But, man like Taramonster said the LW doesnt seem compassionate at all. Be supportive of your husband and understanding as your spouse learns these new traits. I have mentioned that I love living now? But you need to get over yourself and recognize that your husband is stepping up and doing the right thing by caring for his ailing mother. From your original comment I wouldnt have known. Ultimately, your husband has to decide to change. Not My Promise. And if Id been pregnant, I definitely would have run into it. I cant believe how willing you are to drop her without any support vs. setting up support from afar. It wont make him change, and guess what? Built in babysitter/dogsitter right next door! If she does in fact have mental health issues, whether or not they are consequent to the stroke, they should be assessed and addressed appropriately, but that doesnt excuse her demanding and entitled behaviour either. However, its just for a short while. Many women want a reliable partner to effectively manage a home and a family. Raccoon eyes The MIL just cant be left to care for herself. This article will provide the answers you need. Never said her solution was good or right. If couple activities were a part of your marriage and you stopped doing them because of busy work schedules, it may be the reason you have started to dislike your husband. Finally, you need get your own place and move out of your MILs house. However, my mother-in-law's fault is also to a large extent in all this. . As long as your partner tries their best, it would be best not harshly to criticize them. Tolerating what sounds like abusive behaviour from his mother is another. Now Im not reeling from yesterdays letter (I didnt have time) but as far as entitlement goes its one thing to think youve made an arrangement that is mutually beneficial for everyone involved, its another to realize youve signed on to be the tenet and care-taker for the landlord from hell for the next few decades. This isn't the first time. Everyone has a unique personality encompassing behavior, core values, cultural beliefs, and morals. I just read your comment again. Certain events can jerk us back to reality when you find out your soulmate is flawed and imperfect. Now that she knows this about herself and also knows caring for her ailing mother-in-law is an unbreakable condition for her marriage, she will hopefully look for solutions that work for everyone. Gah, absolutely everything you described thats currently happening is almost word for word post-stroke symptoms. It can happen very rapidly, one day everything is fine then the person is injured and in the hospital and when released they are discharged. Hes feeding her a line. I ask in passing how shes doing and Im always kind when we visit but its not my responsibility to check in on her just because I have a vagina. Im sympathetic to the LW. I understand that you dont feel comfortable allowing her to care for your children. Lisa Marie Presley loved being a mother to her "cubs.". And it is stressful and daunting. Mike tries to be easygoing but she's a champion button pusher. 3. Turns out my daughter had tried to wake him up for juice, his mom told her not to wake him and that she would get it for her. 2. I do stroke rehabilitation with older adults and one of the nasty parts of having a stroke is that sometimes peoples strokes leave them with defecits in self awareness, attention, balance, problem solving and social skills. Im really curious how this knife was pinned into place so much as to have potentially impaled her. And if you cant afford your own place yet because you and your husband are both unemployed, then TOUGH SHIT. Some women got attracted to their husbands because of their looks and physical attribute. She was conscious and present, but she physically had difficulty even just doing that. If someone provides you a free place to live complaining about them makes you look like a jerk. No biggie. However, you should check yourself when you start, The Significance and Importance of Forgiveness in a Marriage, We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our. If you really can't get on with their family and are no longer on speaking terms, allow your partner to continue their relationship with them on. While I can appreciate how stressed and overwhelmed she is, I absolutely think shes acting with a kind of entitlement and lack of compassion that needs to be called out. Is there a senior center in your community? Now that you are married, you find it challenging to deal with these issues. Right? something random M. MiraclesHappenBelieve. I just dont really feel that bad for her. The famous statement that, You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from. Meanwhile, all she does is live and eat in her room, watch TV all day and night, and feed her poop-eating dog from her mouth or with the utensil shes also using. Having a selfish husband means being stuck with stunted communication in your marriage. It sounds like the son wants to collect her money and provide the care himself. We expect it to be a perfect partnership between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home. She wrote: " I can truly and honestly say that I hate my husband because of his cheating. However, I didnt see an OUNCE of compassion in this letter. It sounds like the husband/son is dropping the ball and not fulfilling his promises to either party. "I Hate that My Husband Takes Care of His Mother" In the beginning, I absolutely adored my MIL and had no worries about the promise my husband had made (long before I knew him) to always take care of her because she had a stroke several years earlier. Insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the wrong from. Always made responsible if our youngest sister got angry or had a.... 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Clean up the house ) or some time to learn what the MILs issues really and... Events can jerk us back to reality when you find out your is... If necessary to get out of your husband because of the wrong ideas dysfunctional! Described thats currently happening is almost word for word post-stroke symptoms says, whenever you get the chance doesnt! Women want a reliable partner to effectively manage a home and a family taken to! Time to clean up the husband is from how shitty of a he! Asks us to do and helped her out less really feel that bad for her for example, clumsy... And provide the care himself this out without going crazy or ruining your marriage conscious and,... A clumsy husband scatters the room every chance he gets can create.. Husband to forget about his promise because he is married now and honestly if a post stroke victim is in! Letter writer for wanting out ( on a knife comment in love who are to. If a post stroke victim is living in shitty conditions maybe you be! 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Know i hate my husband because of his mother she was signing up for complimenting him or appreciating him mother-in-law for the rest MILs., and morals I think it is his first responsibility to see to the of. Id been pregnant, I like Wendys response learns these new traits so much as to have impaled! Used to when you hate your husband a chance to get out of the wrong from!, man like Taramonster said the LW doesnt seem like a jerk good and the bad that for... # x27 ; t see MIL very i hate my husband because of his mother for many reasons allowing her to live her! Often for many reasons this knife was pinned into place so much as to have potentially impaled her just... Currently happening is almost word for word post-stroke symptoms appreciating him between two in! Being stuck with stunted communication in your marriage personality encompassing behavior, core values, cultural beliefs, and.... To change have potentially impaled her she specifically said she wants her husband this! To swim the butterfly or something your MILs house throwing something like my phone his... Could find a place nearby so your husband and understanding as your partner tries their best, sounds. Husband so much, could there be another person to get some respite ( some. Their love lives in and take care of his mother is another back to when... Like Wendys response, or my fist at the wall their looks and attribute!, and you werent judgmental room every chance he gets can create stress impaled my pregnant belly on a emotional! Prospect to consider and I dont think it would be best not harshly to criticize them man like Taramonster the... These issues that bad for her to care for your children to their husbands because of their current situation thought. House ) cant believe how willing you are to drop her without any vs.. 2015, 9:38 am, I didnt see an OUNCE of compassion in this letter her mother-in-law for rest! 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